so I guess it would be a time-limited relationship on both parts. | INTP Discussion Forum > People and Psychology > Opposite MBTI types |
| Posted by: NGene Apr 8 2004, 03:36 PM |
| How do you get along with someone who's your MBTI opposite? I've noticed I do really well with ESFJs, but living with one would probably drive us both crazy. My mother-in-law is an ESFJ, as well as is a friend of mine. Neither of them has taken the test, so I can't be 100% sure, but they seem pretty clear ESFJs when I analyze their behavior and opinions. I get along with them really well, and they both like me very much. I don't meet them too often, but whenever I'm with them, I feel very... relaxed. I feel I can just be myself with these people, that I don't have to demonstrate intelligence or competence in anything before they accept me. My ENTP hubby has the same kind of feelings when he's with his MBTI opposite, an ISFJ friend of his. I've noticed it myself, and my mother-in-law told me the same thing when we were once discussing this particular ISFJ. My dad's an ISFJ too, and he also gets nicely along with his MBTI opposite son-in-law. Now I'm wondering if this is because they are opposite MBTI types, or if it's just because of the Extraverted Feeling function, or if it's a mixture of both. I'd imagine a person with Fe as their dominant or auxiliary function would do really well with almost anyone, and according to my experience, SFJs are very pleasant and considerate people (although having an SFJ parent hasn't always been pleasant!). Anyway, I also think that being with your MBTI opposite could be attracting and relaxing because you're probably so different that you both interest the other just by being yourselves and you both complement each other and compensate each others' weaknesses. And the E/I factor is ideal, too - the extravert can freely talk as much as they want, and the introvert can be quiet without causing awkward pauses in the conversation. But yes, I acknowledge that the different ways of perceiving the world and different opinions can also cause conflicts. I'd like to hear your opinions. Do you know many of your opposites in real life? How do you get along? And, before someone starts accusing me of narrow-mindedness, I must say that of course I know there's much more to a relationship than the MBTI type. Common interests and background, personal chemistry, and a great deal of other factors are very important, maybe much more important than some psychological type, but it's just fun to analyze people's behavior and relationships and see if there are patterns. Of course there are many ways of looking at people, but the MBTI type is one of them. |
| Posted by: Hush Apr 9 2004, 02:23 AM |
| I get along just fine with ESTJs, as long as they let me have my peace of mind (but that applies to any living creature.) My boss is ESTJ, actually. Everyone should meet him. It'll blow any preconceptions of ESTJs right away. ESTPs, on the other hand ... Instant clash. |
| Posted by: Vagabond Apr 10 2004, 09:02 AM |
| My mother is my complete opposite type - ESFJ. We get along fine, although our difference in thinking and understanding the world is absolutely obvious. It is actually a strange kind of relationship I suppose; we are tremendously attached to each other, however it is in her nature to try and "show me the way", over-protect me and intrude (with all the good intentions, but still), while it is in my nature to be independent and solitary and make up my mind on my own etc. So, we can't turn our back on each other on one hand, but we are indeed driving each other crazy on the other hand. Of course it is my mother, not my friend, not my boyfriend, so it is kind of a given relationship; I think that a guy with my mother's personality would attract me at first being everything that I am not, we would get along for a period of time, but then we would drain each other. I couldn't have a "stranger" treat me so protectively and "manipulatively" in a way; and I don't think an ESFJ guy would be able to cope with my craving for isolation and introverted personality and independence and and and... a "weirdo" like me so I guess it would be a time-limited relationship on both parts. |
| Posted by: NGene Apr 11 2004, 06:19 PM | ||
Sounds a lot like my mother-in-law. She's intrusive, very controlling and overprotective, and she's one of those people who drives the car from the back seat (a sign of a controlling and overprotective person I guess), nags about eating too fatty food (intrusive and over-protecting again?), etc. (This may sound horrible, but don't take it too negatively. These are only her bad qualities - her good qualities outnumber the bad ones, hands down! Actually some of these are just good qualities gone too extreme. Being protective is good, but being overprotective isn't... And she just means well by being so controlling, but it can get on your nerves sometimes.) The ESFJ friend of mine is a very controlling and dominant person. It's not hard to realize who's wearing the pants in her household! But it's funny to notice how she's taken a very protective attitude towards me. She's the same age as I am, so this protecting is very different from the one of my mother-in-law, but it's still protecting and handling me with care. It's weird, but makes me relax. Anyway, what the http://www.typelogic.com/esfj.html says, seems correct: "All else being equal, ESFJs enjoy being in charge." |
| Posted by: papaverfugue Apr 16 2004, 10:32 PM |
| In my household (roommates) I live with an ESFJ and an ESFP - all scoring fairly extremely. I love them both dearly - but dear God is it playing havoc with my sanity. Try as I might, I can't seem to get them to understand how we are different. What's good for them should, apparently, be good for me. Unfortunately, when you're surrounded by it, it's hard not to start believing - especially when you see how much fun they have. [little surprise that I'm moving out shortly].. The thing that drives me nuts is the constant flux in moods. The ESFJ, she and I are fairly close.. but it's always too serious for her, too deep. So we have this constant back and forth.. and I can never anticipate her mood. Example: I told her I was moving out the other night and that sparked a huge heart-to-heart about why. I was careful to portray the reasons so as to not leave the intention that it was any one person (the two other roommates are also Es.. ack!!!), and then somehow she turned it around into 'I wasn't trying hard enough' & 'I was expecting them to change..' blah, blah, blah, blah - none of which is true, if it were I wouldn't be moving out. The only rationale I can come up with is that she was trying to make herself feel better by portraying it all as on me. Anyway.. it was a good conversation nonetheless - good bonding type stuff. The next day, she won't talk to me. I've been living with the cold shoulder from her for five days now. And all approaches are immediately rebuffed. As fascinating as it is taxing.. living and loving the anima. |
| Posted by: Division56 Apr 22 2004, 01:58 AM |
| My mother is an ISFJ, she and I are like oil and water. We both have good intentions, but we get under each others skin. It's the text-book compulsive, invasive, do-gooder, neurotic, trying to pry/help. Too emotional, takes everything too seriously, clingy behavior drives me nuts! Sigh........................................... I just have to repress my irritation. There's no trying to explain that kind of stuff to an SJ, you just end up hurting them. |
| Posted by: NGene Apr 22 2004, 06:57 AM | ||
Print out your MBTI type's profile and make her read it. Actually you could read each other's profiles together and discuss them. This really helped me and my ISFJ dad understand each other a lot better. The key here is to realize that none of the MBTI types is better, but different, and you should discuss each other's different motives and intentions. We had some good laughs with my dad, too, when reading something in each other's profile that was dead accurate. |
| Posted by: Division56 Apr 22 2004, 02:26 PM |
I did that once, it helped a little bit, but was quickly forgotten.  She's much better than she used to be, I think she's letting go. |
| Posted by: Vagabond Apr 22 2004, 10:01 PM | ||
Oh do I know what you mean... I did that too, all I got was at first confusion, then the "that is nonsense" reply and finally the "You should change(!)" conclusion. And eventually, my ESFJ mother especially but my INFJ father too, forgot about the whole thing. So really, I don't think there is any hope there. Just learn to live with the idea. |
| Posted by: misspadfoot Apr 23 2004, 05:39 PM |
| I'm really surprised there are so many people here with MBTI opposites in their immediate families. I guess I thought personality was somewhat genetic. We cannot change our temperament AFAIK, so we must be born into them. I, for instance, was born an INTP, which makes sense because my mom is INxJ with strong S, and my dad is an ENTP. But then, how could Vagabond's FJ parents produce an INTP? Maybe this merits a topic of its own: Is MBTI Type Genetic? I'll answer the actual question later - I have class now. |
| Posted by: Division56 Apr 23 2004, 06:05 PM |
From what I read they are completely random. We intps plague families with no justifiable causes....................  If it is random, it's no suprise there are so many with isfj's in their families. They're the most plentiful type. The roaches of the spectrum.....  |
| Posted by: flan2dave Apr 23 2004, 08:00 PM |
| My mom is an ESFJ, my dad an ESTJ. I believe my sister would be an ISFP. Yes, I do find it odd my parents and I share very little in common in terms of personality. "From what I read they are completely random. We intps plague families with no justifiable causes............... "Ha, I was just thinking along the same lines.  |
| Posted by: shaytana Apr 23 2004, 08:23 PM |
I have an ESFJ friend. She is a nice girl but I can only take her in small doses before the sound of her voice starts to irritate me. Most of my friends tend to be ESxJ's as I don’t open up very easily and these people tend to take a liking to me and drag me around with them - and I love them for it, if it wasn’t for those friends of mine my (external) life would be very boring. These people have brought about the most interesting and exciting experiences, which I need to learn, to assimilate into my other world and twist to my will.  erm. |
| Posted by: Vagabond Apr 23 2004, 10:36 PM | ||
Ha, beats me  Both my parents are Js, both me and my sister are Ps; all of my family are Feelers, I am a Thinker. So really, I don't think genetics have anything to do with it. And I think environement has little to do with it in the baseline, although I must admit it has sideaffects; it helped me grow my defenses stronger and develop my secondary functions, but other than that, I cannot see any direct effect on my type formation. |
| Posted by: jayvan001 Apr 23 2004, 11:17 PM |
| I am the oldest of 3 brothers, and of course and INTP. My Middle brother is an ISTJ and we get along well, but talk very little philosophy. My Youngest brother is an INTJ and we get along very well, and talk philosophy all of the time to the point exhaustion. Its great and well exhausting. We see eye to eye on most everything, and what we don't see eye to eye on we can appreciate the other's perspective. My Mother is an ISFJ but we get along well for the most part. There are a few subjects were she gets upset about. She is very open minded. My dad still hasn't taken the test yet, and I'm still not sure how to peg him. My best friend is a ENTJ, she and I get along very well for the most part, but she can't understand why I don't like to be around people. My EX-Fiancée is and ISFJ, who is very close minded and could not understand my though process at all. She figured she could change me, but well ... I guess that's how it works. Come to think of it we were pretty much like oil and water also. I'm pretty new to this stuff but I think helps to understand how the other types think and operate in order to deal with them better. I still think that there's more too it that just type, but like I said I'm just getting started. Its pretty interesting. Jay |
| Posted by: misspadfoot Apr 24 2004, 11:17 PM |
| But if it isn't genetic, Vagabond, then what does determine personality type? I'm still thinking it's genetic, but there are a million different genes that determine it, probably some recessive traits that aren't very likely to come out, etc. Okay, now for my family: My mom is an INTJ, though she also has a strong Se function. For an inferior function, it's extremely developed. Same goes for her tertiary Fi function. It was pretty hard for me to come to a conclusion on her type. It's possible that she's an INFJ, an ISTJ or even an ISFJ. She and I don't get along too well, mostly because of her strong J. My dad is an ENTP. We get along extremely well. My N and P preferences are stronger than his, though, so when he tries to impose SJ-ness on me, I snap at him. My brother (who's a year younger than me) is an ISTP, I think, though he might just be an INTP. He and I get along very well, too, because we have a lot in common. We're both on our school's QuizBowl and math teams, and we enjoy logic puzzles, word games and the like. He is better than me at some things, like chess and other strategy games, but I'm generally better than him at writing and music. I can't figure out if this has anything to do with type or not. If it does, then what is it? I'm thinking maybe it's because I have stronger N than him, though it's also possible that it's because I have a stronger Fe function than him. I don't think that's the case, though. My Fe function is almost nonexistant. My sister (four years younger than me) is an ESFP. We don't get along too well. I find her extremely shallow. She tries to compete with me academically. I frequently tell her she's dumb (which she often is) and I don't quite know why I do it. I guess it's my pride in my intelligence, or something. She tries to tell me I'm dumb, and I retaliate verbally with insults. And I mean them. I don't regret them. She has learned to be very safeguarded with her emotions and opinions around me, and I tend to try and provoke her until she says something irrational so I can strike her down for it. My other sister (eleven years younger than me) is an IN-- something or other. She's only five years old, and I love her a lot. She's the only person that can really bring out my Fe function. So I really can't say I have much experience with opposite types. There's one exception, though: a girl in my class that used to be a good friend of mine. She's an ESFJ, my polar opposite. We were friends for a while, but I think that's mostly because she was approachable and was actually willing to hang out with me. These days I don't like her so much, because I'm more content to be alone and be myself than put on some polite facade so that I can talk to someone. I can never really be myself around her. |
| Posted by: Vagabond Apr 24 2004, 11:33 PM | ||
OK, fair enough; but in that sense, everything is genetics. What I meant is that it is probably not something that goes from parent to offspring, like eye-shape or something. The only person in my more distant family I have spotted out as a thinker is a female cousin of mine; however, if it is a matter of inheritance, she probably got it from her thinker mother, who is nevertheless not my blood relative (we are related on her father's side). So. Maybe the "thinker" gene is less strong and hits more rarely, I don't know... but that is something I am happy about, so I will try to awaken my kids' thinking side (whenever I have kids), regardless of whether it will be their strong or weak natural preference. |